Why write about these painful experiences?
How many books about the experience of warfare were you required to read in high school? How many books about the experience of pregnancy and childbirth? And yet, which experience is more common? How many classmates went on to the military, and how many went on to become pregnant?
As a society, we have an incredibly poor understanding of what reproduction entails for females.
Pregnancy is dangerous, and so is childbirth. The experiences are physically and psychologically challenging, even in the best of circumstances. All mothers take on great physical risk for their children – the risk of pain and surgery, the risk of blood clots and hypertensive disorders, hemorrhage, infection, chronic bodily dysfunction, scaring, more pain, death. The risk of loss of independence and income, sometimes loss of safety and self-reliance. In some places, the risk of criminal charges and imprisonment.
Mothers bravely take on these risks. They learn to walk differently and use the bathroom differently, to lie down and roll over differently. They learn to stand strong in the midst of judgement and, often, harassment. To accept another body as a part of their own body. To accept indescribable pain. They learn to lie on their backs and say “okay, pick up that knife, I have to trust you, cut me open”.
But childbirth is common, and some of the mechanics are involuntary. Therefore, it’s often thought of as the most banal thing in the world. It isn’t. It’s a heroic act of bravery.
(Inspired by Dr. Kimberly Theidon who documented the years of atrocity and heroics endured by Sacha’s family in Peru, and who continues to stand up for the validity of women’s experiences)
Wrapped Up In Parentheses 
I didn’t understand the physical and emotional tolls and sacrifices pregnancy requires until I became pregnant, and even now I don’t really understand what some mothers have had to go through for their children. I wonder if men ever really ‘get it’. Thanks (as always) for your beautiful and honest words.
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I didn’t understand the tolls/sacrifices pregnancy requires, both physically and emotionally, until I became pregnant. Even now, I still can’t fully understand what some women are required to go through for their children, although I’m in awe of the strength of these women, yourself included. I wonder if men can ever REALLY understand all that pregnancy entails/requires. Thanks, as always, for your beautiful and honest words.
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I think a good first step towards helping others begin to understand (or at least, to glimpse how much they *don’t* quite understand), is to talk about it. To say, this is a real and enormous thing that happened, yes it involves my uterus, no it’s not “cute”, yes it is scary and unfair and you can’t do a thing to fix it or explain it away, and yes it is important for you to listen to it! And you do that unapologetically, which is awesome. I know a lot of men who want to understand, but until they’re exposed to its portrayal as a complex human experience (beyond someone eating pickles and screaming “you did this to me” while sweaty and red-faced), they can’t (especially now that family sizes are smaller which limits first-hand exposure).
This post has meant a lot to me, in case you haven’t seen it: http://avital.blogspot.com.au/2011/01/cesarean-courage.html?m=1
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I find this in my day to day work. In our culture we are so separate from childbirth- in the years ago or in other countries kids grow up seeing their siblings born and women gather for each other. Now when people are in labor they often just have their partner for support in the room with them. They go through pregnancy with no knowledge of what is normal and what is not. They shirk childbirth classes for some unknown reason. It can drive me nuts, but I dont know how to fix it. I spend much of my day saying, “yes, that’s normal” or telling people I can’t deliver them at 36 weeks so they can make it to their childs first day of school. as if I had something to do with the nature act that had happened 9 months before. sorry, i digress.
I like the idea of required reading in high school! People would understand the process more and understand the risks. maybe there’d be less unintended pregnancy. Maybe people would be more prepared. maybe people would worry about themselves when they heard my story rather than think they are invincible and I must have done something wrong. that also drives me nuts. my story- and yours- should make people worry.
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Ugh I wrote a long response about lack of female perspective in literature and The Grapes of Wrath (which features stillbirth but only via the male gaze) and Frida Kahlo and indigenous Catholic art in Peru which features lots of Mary pregnant and breastfeeding as well as symbolic references to both childbirth and motherhood (because those things are all very valued by the local culture though “undignified” in Europe), and about how people probably won’t lose their sense of invincibility until they’re personally faced with their own mortality BUT a broader cultural understanding is important anyhow because it would lead to much better-informed policy… And then I hit the wrong thing and deleted it 🙂
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