October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

(Why always “loss”? Maybe it’s an effort to avoid the annoying etymology surrounding intrauterine death… but my son was not “lost”, he horrifically bled to death, and I’m lucky that I didn’t also die in the process…)

Anyhow, as I was saying, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In the online community of mothers who have lost their babies, many are participating in a daily post challenge.


I appreciate the beautiful things that other people are creating. And I don’t want to be a non-joiner (I’m an enthusiastic “joiner” by nature, though I opt out of countless things in real life these days).

But the truth is, I’m not at a point where I want or need to do something like that yet. I can’t look back at what I’ve been through yet, because I’m still “in it”. I have enough overflowing thoughts and feelings that I don’t need a daily inspiration. And I have enough angst that I’m not interested in a “heart-centered journey of mindful growth and healing”. Not this month, at least. Not today.

Maybe I could put a bow on my sadness. But I’m facing so many things, from fear and anger to abandonment and betrayal, from shattered assumptions to shattered identity. As this awesome review article on perinatal loss explains, “grief may account for as little as 20% of postloss depression”. I’m not necessarily depressed, actually, but I am going through a huge series of unchosen, confusing adjustments in every single area of my life. And I’m not in a good place for a post challenge.

Maybe next year. Or maybe in five years. Not right now.