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This is part of my scar. This is where my Cesarean incision was extended, because the doctor had a hard time getting Sacha out. Because his brain tumor went undiagnosed (due to an error in judgment) and grew so large. I’ve been working extremely hard over the past week (okay, over the past *year*, but especially over the past week) to untangle my extremely complicated thoughts and feelings about this.

I’m working on accepting the truth that Sacha and I deserved better, and we could have been better helped and protected (physically, emotionally and spiritually). I am not an angry person; in any given situation, I’m most likely to be understanding and quick to forgive. But I need to acknowledge that human mistakes were made. Because the alternative is to feel like I’m living in a horrifying world where my child is not cared for and my dignity is not valued.

This work is not easy and it is not fun. It’s lonely and scary and exhausting and humiliating and awful. But I’m doing my best to continue facing it, to continue making progress. Because at this point that’s what I need to do in order to keep being a good mom to Sacha, a mom that can keep the beautiful memory of his spirit alive in love and dignity.

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