I’ve struggled to express in words how I felt with the anniversaries of the onset of Sacha’s illness (and my illness), followed by Sacha’s birth and death. The truth is that the anniversaries felt so much worse than the actual events. This year, I lived through those dates – for the first time – with the knowledge that death is enormous and endless, and with the perspective of hindsight to reveal errors that were made in my and Sacha’s care. I lived through those dates without the barriers of confidence, innocence and shock. Without holding my baby in my belly or in my arms.

The anniversaries were brutal – even more so than I had imagined – and I’m so thankful to friends and family who reached out to me on those days and shared remembrances of Sacha’s life in beautiful ways. This post from Eddie’s mom closely reflects my experience of time as it relates to grief. The pain hasn’t actually lessened (though I have grown and strengthened in ways that allow me to bear it more easily).

Another mother recently posted on the approaching anniversaries related to her stillborn son, several years after his birth. She wonders if she could have saved him, inevitably, as she wonders every year. Then she concludes that, truth be told, since his death she has lived every day trying to save him in some way – every single day.

I do the same. Every day.

life after eddie

A dear friend of mine shared an article with me recently about the concept of time when faced with the inevitability of death. Tragically the author had been diagnosed with cancer and died just a few weeks after the article was printed.

Beautifully written and poignant, it struck a chord on how Chris and I view time since we lost Eddie.

Time is the strangest concept in grief. Time used to mean so many things: planning our future or reminicising about our past, time away to have a break, time to ourselves, time for other people, time for a change, give it time, haven’t got the time. And so on…

Time, in its essence, indefinitely moves us forward. As we approach Eddie’s first anniversary, society and some religions dictate that the year of grieving is over. It’s time to get on with our lives.

We feel far away from these…

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